Dear bastards who refuse to wear both condoms and seatbelts,
You might be wondering "sure, I love ridin bareback to prostitute city but that doesn't necessarily mean I don't wear seatbelts" Sure it does Honky! I bet just last night you slurred this phrase while staring into the eye (singular) of your intoxicated lover? "Come on sugar I don't want to wear that, it just feels better without it." Condom? Seatbelt? The difference is imperceptible. Yes, condoms are annoying as are seatbelts and yes it does feel better without them. No one will fight you on that. The problem begins when you act upon your amazing ability to overlook the laws of nature, physics, and most parts of Utah. You’re not a care free James Bond type who lives life to the fullest and makes his own rules. First of all Sean Connery wouldn't even pee on your out-house let alone in it. Second of all you think that your television is magic. Thirdly you know of a secret fishing hole that removes warts...WAIT A MINUTE!! ARE YOU INBRED? You're an inbred aren't you! That makes more sense. Yep inbred. Your mom and dad are cousins, and somewhere in your sloppy back of a Chevy truck conception your dad’s genes and your moms genes got together and realized it was a family reunion. Luckily your parents brought enough meth and Budweiser for every developing fetus! So you’re stupid. This was a given. But even Gods most stupid animals have basic natural instincts to help protect themselves, right? That's true, except for white trash. Don't get mad at me, you are just one of Gods loop-hole people. So you’re stupid and you have no skills of self preservation. It’s not that bad right? Well... Even a retarded chimpanzee would realize that if you’re putting your key (the penis) into the cookie factory (the vagina) and dropping off your workers (your semen) your going to get cookies (retarded inbred babies). I for one would say bravo toothless masses, if you would just stay in the hills and play your simple instruments and poop in your simple cans. But no! You come down for cigarettes and welfare checks, leaving a trail of higher taxes and empty Ritalin bottles. You think your only affecting yourself right? Is that your angle? If the south had succeeded you might be on to something. Unfortunately we forced you back in, like the family intervention for the drunk uncle that everyone secretly wishes would just go off and be homeless already. So you’re not just affecting yourself because I have to pay for the birthing, raising, and detoxing of your "kin".
"What does this have to do with seatbelts" you might be asking yourself or your donkey. Condoms and seatbelts are both simple tools used to restrain matter. As white trash you loath seatbelts. You find them stuffy and uptight like that "son-a-bitch" professor at you junior college. Unbeknownst to you it’s the ghost of Darwin that is whispering in your ear "real men get thrown free from a wreck" He also is the one that whispers “light beer and trigger guards are for pussies" and "inhalants are the fashion drug of the south." He wants you to die! You are screwing with his theory of natural selection. Still don’t get it? YOU’RE COSTING ME MONEY DUMBASS! For your own momentary pleasure you are increasing our taxes. Whether you are killing yourself or creating more little backwoods babies you are assuming that someone somewhere will pick up the tab. How pissed would you be if I came over as a stranger and assumed that I could bum a Coors light out of your fridge…EVERYDAY. That’s what you’re doing to America. You’re bumming a beer from everyone in America!! Damn you!!
You…white thrash American, can stop generations of failure and genetic stupidity. Please, be the last burnout in your family tree. After all, I believe that if you give a man a fish he eats for that day, but if you teach a man to fish you can push him in the water and drown his white trash ass so he doesn't reproduce. - Furious Wang
